Sometimes I feel like a real fake, I go through life not being me, but being who people perceive me to be. I don't even think I know who I really am, I have been so many different people for so long. But I really feel fake in my Christian lifestyle. I am a believer in Christ, I truly believe in God and know that Jesus sacrificed His life for us, but I feel like such a fake about it. I read the Bible, almost every night, I pray every morning and every night, for all of my family, friends, enemies and pets, not in a closet like some of the greatest Warriors of Prayer have, but I do pray.
I am a very to the point pray-er, I am jealous of the people that just DRIP Jesus, you see it in them, the way they speak and write about God, their journey in the adventure on this mortal earth of ours. I just don't get it. I want to be like that, use every noun, pronoun, verb, adjective relating to God and his team, but I just can't do it.
I am such a black and white person that I want to get straight to the point, but oh how I wish I sometimes could be like those drippers!
Here is my biggest problem, I am not shy about my beliefs, I will talk about Christianity if the conversation comes up, but...and this is a BIG but, I don't really want to save anyone. It is so petty and selfish of me, but what happens if they become a "better" Christian, or a "faster" Christian? What happens if they have a lightning bolt moment of God? I have never had that, I have heard his whispers, I have seen his miracles, but what if I can't stand that new convert? What if I am so angry at myself for introducing them to someone as great as God, then they just plow over where I am and jump ahead of the invisible Christian chart that I hold myself up against?
What do you do when the one thing that has brought you peace and love and acceptance in a world full of hatred and judgement, what do you do when your one JOB on this earth is to be a DISCIPLE of Christ and you are too selfish to share the Gospel? How can I say I am a Christian if I don't want anyone I know to be saved?, sorry, I want you all to be saved, but not in competition with me. Ugh..., I know I am a good person, I know that it is through Him that I have survived everything I have, but to not want to share the Gospel, that is against everything I strive to be, everything I believe in. I don't like this side of me, I don't like that I really try to be soooo non-judgmental, except when it comes to myself, then I let loose and judge the heck out of myself. So, what do I do when I feel so threatened by your conversion that I can't even bring you to know Jesus. And please, this is not a call out for my ego, I really am questioning myself right now.
Thank you for reading and responding if you feel you can, and until next time,